Anthony Bourdain’s Documentary: ‘Roadrunner’ Drills Into His Anxiety

(CNN) – Feelings for Anthony Bourdain are no less intense, almost four years after his horrific death.

Director Morgan Neville’s touching documentary chronicles Bourdain’s path from New York chef to acclaimed author to beloved television personality trotting the world, and He is trying to shed some light on the mystery of his suicide in 2018 at the age of 61.

“I feel his death was something unexpected for the audience, as there is such a cultural tear in the paper for people,” Neville said.

Neville, whose films explore Mr. Rogers in Won’t You Be My Neighbor? And the backup singers for “20 Feet From Stardom,” think the film might offer viewers a more comprehensive understanding of Bourdain.

Fans who have felt they know Bourdain through his television work, most recently on CNN’s “Parts Unknown”, will likely find it healing and heart-wrenching.

CNN spoke with Neville about what he discovered in the making of “Roadrunner,” which airs on CNN on March 13.

The following interview has been edited for length and clarity.

CNN: What sparked your interest in this project? She did not meet Bourdain. What attracted you?

Neville: I had questions about him. I guess I was like a lot of people, I was a fan. I had read two of his books starting with “Kitchen Confidential” when it came out.

I’ve watched the show off and on, but always really liked it when I saw him and liked him and found him a funny, complex, smart guy who’s kind of an ambassador for curiosity, I guess… It just felt like the work he was doing was important work, you know, that what he was doing was characterizing Humanity on people on the other side of the planet and showing you what you have in common and talking about breaking bread with people and what all of these things mean.

Those were all things that I loved about him, but I also… I just had questions about him, as I think a lot of people did. And certainly in the aftermath of his suicide, I think the reaction I got more than any is how the hell does that happen?

CNN: I wanted to know who Bourdain was. What did you come up with that surprised you?

Neville: The first surprises were that he was a shy, seasoned man who constantly read books and worked in the kitchen on his feet 12 hours a day, six days a week for 20 years.

You know, that’s how it used to be. …the “Kitchen Confidential” version of his early life is cool, funny, and romantic, but I don’t think you fully understand his shyness and geek type, and his depth as well, just his physicality and it’s all so early on.

And so that was a part of him, and then he just started to see that once the world opened up to him and he could travel all the time, how these things he had always wanted became some kind of new defining principles for his life. …he was addicted to heroin, he wrote about it and the rigors of the kitchen made him straight and narrow …

In the movie, he says, “Inside here, I’m safe in the kitchen, but outside that door, that’s what scares me.” And that when he left the kitchen behind, he was aware of the fact that he was suddenly wading into the dark waters and didn’t know what was going to be there. …so he was well aware of the fact that he had become so disconnected from the things that really cemented him for so long.

And parts of those things he found on the way were really energetic and exciting but part of it felt like he didn’t really find a new, stranded anchorage. I mean, he’s married, he’s had a kid, and he’s had these kind of moments, oh, I can live that kind of life and I can kind of be that kind of responsible person and I can really get into all this new stuff…whether it’s in jujitsu or write. But… there was anxiety that I think unleashed on him to the point that he could never stop it.

CNN: What was the journey to him in this context?

Neville: real estate. You know, definitely addictive.

And again, travel is great, you know, travel is great, and many of the things he embraces have been great. But traveling 250, 270 days a year – at some point it’s not traveling, it’s running away, and I think that’s something he’s never come to terms with. I mean, I know he thought about it… he negotiated a book contract to go take a year off and take his family and live in Vietnam and write a book about it.

He had the kind of escape plans or adjustments he could make in his life. He never made any of them. He hasn’t done one less episode a year. And that’s the thing that I think most people would say, most people would say, “Oh, my life and work balance is out of control, I should probably work less.”

But for Tony, I think it was a feeling that maybe it would go away if…you didn’t hold onto it too much, and that something about the travel and experience addiction had become its own kind of self-fulfilling obsession.

CNN: How is the movie you made different from the movie you thought you would make? Or is he?

Neville: I think the main difference from the way I first thought of the movie is that I initially thought Tony was my audience. In fact, I really wanted to feel it so much that, you know, I meditate on every song he mentioned anywhere. And I put together a playlist, an 18-and-a-half hour playlist of songs we listened to. And I’ve been through every movie he’s ever mentioned.

I watched them all. I checked every book he mentioned, you know, went back and read or re-read many of them. I feel like I wanted the movie to have its energy and DNA and if he saw it – I feel like there are Easter eggs in the movie, and if he watched it, he’d be like, ‘Oh, yeah!

But what changed is, as I started doing interviews and started spending more and more time with the people in Tony’s life who were dealing with grief in the aftermath of suicide, I realized that there was a part of Tony’s life that he was kind of blind to – it’s the amount of love that People had him for him, but also the amount of pain he caused.

And I felt that was something I owed to the people I met. And so at a certain point, there’s a part of the story that Tony shouldn’t like. And that became, for me, the way the film developed in my mind. That’s both, but I definitely started to feel like I really wanted to respect the kind of honesty and vulnerability the people who talked to me gave me because I know it wasn’t easy for anyone.

CNN: Is there a message about mental health in this movie?

Neville: I think so. …The least I feel is that the movie actually gave people permission to talk about things like suicide, which is something people rarely feel they have permission to talk about because it’s so connected to feelings of shame or embarrassment or guilt or whatever.

I realize that this movie will probably be one of the most watched documentaries dealing with suicide. And so I feel that responsibility and I hope that it will have a positive impact.

I mean, I’ll say we’ve thought long and hard about exactly how to deal with all of that, so I hope people find that somehow, if not healing, at least a way to address and talk about these things and maybe just think of Tony in a more understanding way.

CNN: So what will fans like you find that they haven’t seen before?

Neville: I feel like there is a sense of connecting with someone you know, but kind of understanding them in a deeper way. I think there are all kinds of things that people will take, but I think more than anything, it’s just a sense of appreciating how complex this guy really was.