Source: Candice Picard’s photo on Unsplash
Husband and wife roaming their town. The wife stops at a store and marvels at the pots, “Hon, you’d look so nice in our sitting room.”
Two friends rest in bed in the morning. One looks at the other and smiles.
Two wives rush to get their children out of the house in the morning. As they’re out, one gives the other a quick flick on the cheek.
According to John Gottman, these are all examples of “verbal and nonverbal tender gestures between spouses that indicate a need for attention.” Gottman’s groundbreaking research on successful marriages reveals that partners who notice these tenders and reciprocate with them have a much greater chance of staying together.
Gottman calls the reciprocity of giving “toward” and lost giving “to turn away”. His research looked at newlyweds and showed that after six years, couples who were still together had turned around 86 percent of bids, and divorced couples had turned around only about 33 percent of bids. Simply put, couples who remained married were much better at noticing the mutual bids of communication.
Gottman acknowledges that accepting bids is not as easy as one might hope. Easy to miss. Zach Brittle writes for the Gottman Institute, splitting bids into 15 categories to help us notice and connect with them. I don’t know about you, but I won’t remember 15 different types of bidding. In the fog of fast-paced everyday married life, I need a much easier way to approach my husband’s offerings like Pokemon and try to catch them all — or at least somewhere around 86 percent of them, so we can stay happily married.
Source: Photo by Renate Vanaga on Unsplash
Bidding as a start
I know I make it all about improvisation, but John Gottman seems to agree with me on the improvisation of the tender connection. In his pioneering work, he was very popular The Seven Principles of Marriagehe is writing:
When processing a partner’s request, their tagline tends to be a meaningful “yes, and” rather than a “yes, but.” This positive attitude not only allows them to maintain a sense of romance, but also increases the sense of romance, play, fun, adventure, and learning together that are at the core of any long-term love relationship.
In bid optimization parlance, it’s a lot like start-ups. For those who don’t know, stand-up comedy is when people spontaneously make a scene. The beginning is what an impromptu says or does to start the impromptu scene.
For example, let’s say two improvised performers advance to the front of the stage. They both stare at each other. Uh oh, no start yet. Finally, someone voice-acted him opening a closet and saying, “Matilda, it better not be the last roll of paper towels.”
And there you have it. An impromptu kicked off the scene with their initiative about Matilda and paper towels.
Similar start to bidding, call to call.
A good impromptu pays special attention to the initiative so they can turn towards it and use it to collaboratively create a scene with their partner.
He reads a first-class impromptu between the lines and remains comically curious about the nuances of getting started. Are we on the verge of divorce? What is really bothering my partner? Is your 12-year-old mini Pinscher peeing all over the front door again? They take what their partner has said and go along with it while remaining open and focused on the scene as it unfolds.
If the initiations are bids, then the detour towards optimization is like a “yes, and” rule. Instead of getting defensive and saying I always buy paper towels, I accept the start and add new information to the scene. Maybe I’ll apologize and say, “Sorry Bradley. I’m going to clean the dog of his urine, while you finish cooking breakfast.”
Source: AllGo – An app for big people on Unsplash
some examples
Let’s go back to the three examples from the beginning of this post.
If my wife started the real-life scene by saying that some household goods would look great in our house, I could decline her offer in objection. Or I can turn to her by asking where she thinks the talent can go.
I don’t have to agree with her taste in home décor, and we don’t have to buy pillows, but if I want connection, I need to keep up with her start.
Boyfriend smiling at me? I can smile or complete it.
The wife gives me a peck on the cheek? I can tell her that I love her.
I don’t have to agree with my partner, or even be in the same mindset, but I do need to pursue initiatives and determine that my partner is trying to start a scene with me. Am I going to play with them and create a spontaneous moment with them? Then I better agree to their premise and “yes,” so we can make a moment together.
To catch more of your partner’s initiatives (or bids), remember the following:
- Nobody is the problem. A problem is something both partners can try to fix together.
- Stay curious and open.
- Do not assume.
- Don’t be defensive.
- Ask lots of clarifying questions.
- You do not have to agree to go to bid and call.
- It is about communication. It’s not about you. Or at least not entirely about you.
- It’s not about the thing. It is about communication.
The scene isn’t about the chuchki or the smile or the kiss, it’s about the relationship between the two people. It is about communication. This is what keeps the scenes and marriage going.
