Dear Jeff and Laurie,:
My wife doesn’t want me to be healthy. When we met 12 years ago, we loved spending our spare time sipping happy hour beer or eating burgers with friends. When we moved to the valley a few years ago, it was a shock to see how active the community was. For me, it was a welcome change. I wasn’t comfortable in my body with the extra weight I was carrying, and drinking in my forties wore out a lot more than it did in my twenties. I jumped really fast cycling and hiking and learned how to ski. I’ve invited my wife over every step of the way, but instead of joining me, she’s just complaining that I’ve changed and I don’t want to spend time with her. I also think she’s trying to sabotage me by constantly serving me junk food when I’ve asked her 100 times not to. When I try to tell her how good I feel after losing weight and getting fit, she tells me I feel ashamed of being overweight. I don’t want to choose between taking care of myself and my marriage. What should I do?
Signature, fight for fitness
Dear FFF,
Laurie and JeffGrowth in relationships requires change, and change can be intimidating. It’s easy to focus on what you think she needs to do differently in order to be a good, loving, and supportive partner. But for this marriage to survive, you also need to look at what you can change to show her.
Laurie: The first step is to really look at your stories. You can assume she’s just trying to keep you fat. This assumption is likely to lead you down the path of anger, resentment, and blaming her for being selfish. In fact, you don’t know what your healthy choices represent for her. It is important to empathetically realize that you reject the old version of you, and in doing so, you may feel that you are rejecting them as well. It’s a mirror image of the old version that you’ve been working so hard to avoid.
I don’t make excuses for her unsupportive attitude, but if you both stay closed in your stories about each other, it will create more hurt and distance. It’s time to start an emotion-based conversation about what this change represents for each of you and share your concerns and vulnerabilities. Tell her what it means to be healthy and, most importantly, what it means to be healthy. Then be prepared to really listen to how she feels about it. Do you spend less time with her, or have less energy when you two are together? Are you afraid that even if she wanted to, she couldn’t keep up with the hiking or the riding? Once you know what actually drives her weakness, you can work together to build her trust and repair the connection.
JeffAt the beginning of relationships, the connection we feel with our partners is often based on fun and spontaneous things. Going out with friends, dining, partying, traveling, and adventure are all activities that build a quick bond and sharing these experiences brings us closer to each other. As relationships progress, we may start to have different preferences (or be limited in our choices due to the demands of jobs and families) about how we choose to spend our time. When we are exposed to new lifestyles and mindsets, as in your case, the urge to grow can be accelerated more quickly.
While the transformation you initiated is commendable, it is important for you to understand the “why” you are doing it. Have your values changed? Are you going through an inner shift in the goals you set in your life? Or are you simply trying to fit in with a new set of external standards that, if you don’t step up your game, will leave you feeling left behind? If the drive is internal, you will need to help explain the shift to your spouse and help her take that step with you. If the triggers are external to the relationship, it makes sense why your spouse is being left behind and why she might subconsciously try to impede your progress.
Jeff and LaurieOne partner’s growth within a relationship must be accompanied by a clear understanding of why these changes were made and how these changes might affect the other partner. If your spouse feels resistance or reluctance to hop on the healthy train with you, take some time to understand what keeps her at the station.
Laurie and Jeff are married, licensed psychotherapists, and dual coaches at the Aspen Relationship Institute. Send your relationship questions to [email protected] Your query can be specified for a future column.
