Dear Amy: I have been married to my husband for 29 years. He is a good father to our two eldest sons and a good husband to me.
There is one thing that causes me a lot of anxiety and causes heated debates: I would like to visit my family and friends in Greece, where I am originally.
He doesn’t have as much time from work as I do, and he doesn’t like to go on long trips. It is home.
I have more time off from work and have the time and means to travel back home to visit.
My husband and I were arguing about whether I should travel with our kids or travel with my girlfriends for a few days.
He always blames me or makes me afraid to go, and sometimes threatens me with divorce if I go. We end up fighting huge battles about it.
Other than that, it allows me to do what I love to do.
He will never see a healer.
Sometimes I feel trapped because I have to prove my case every time for why I want to go anywhere.
I wish I had a magic wand to make him understand that it was important to me to be with my family and sometimes take night trips to see people in order to keep in touch.
your suggestions?
homebound
Dear Homebound: Other than controlling the time you spend away from your home, “your spouse allows you to do what you love to do.”
Yes, marriage is fueled by compromises, but in reality one partner should not be responsible for the other.
The coolest assumption is that your husband is very worried about you being away from home, and he reacts to his anxiety by acting and trying to control you.
I suggest that you sit down with him and say, “Over the next 12 months, I plan to be away from home overnight for a total of about 14 months.” [or whatever number] Nights. This includes a trip to Greece, and a night or two with the kids or my friends. I’d like you to come with me to Greece, if you can swing. I understand that this is difficult for you.”
If your relatively short stay away from home has inspired him to threaten divorce or punish you emotionally, you need to decide if you are willing to put up with it in order to stay with him.
The threat of divorce is a very manipulative tool to try to control you, made by someone who feels out of control. These threats actually weaken your relationship. If this is his “go to” nuclear option, you have to call him out about it.
Dear Amy: My best friend has an annoying habit that imitates me.
If I upgrade my phone, it upgrades my phone. If you buy a designer wallet, you will buy the same brand. If I told her I had lunch in a nearby town, she would ask where and book a table later.
I spend time researching what to buy, where to shop, and new places to visit.
Looks like she’s using me as a janitor or personal shopper.
I used to joke with my husband, “Let’s see how long it takes to buy one like this.” Over time, her behavior waned. Angers me.
Is it competitive? envious? ignorant?
Sometimes she does the same with her daughters.
I hope you can provide a fresh perspective that will enable me to bring the topic up with her.
Copied
Dear Copied: The “appropriate” response is to be flattered.
Your actual response is to feel disturbed. Part of the fun of organizing is finding special items or experiences that are unique to you.
tell her! Say, “I guess I’m not supposed to feel this way, but, frankly, when you repeat my purchases, I notice it and…it bothers me.”
Dear Amy: My wife and I are planning our anniversary celebration for the end of July, with over 100 expected guests from nearby cities and a few out of state on our guest list.
When should we send out the invitations?
I wonder
Dear question: July can be a busy month for people, who may already be struggling to put their summer plans together.
Email “save the date” now, pointing out the details and asking people to put this on their calendars.
Send out your invitation in late May or early June; This will give everyone several weeks to respond to the invitation.
You can email Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a message to Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.
